


Earth's Mightiest Chefs

by ironfamjam



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Everyone's petty in the talking heads, Gen, It's everyone being friends with everyone, It's practically crack treated seriously, Judges!Tony and Thor and Stephen, MasterChef AU, Reality TV, The rest are contestants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25132987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironfamjam/pseuds/ironfamjam
Summary: Twelve contestants, three master judges, one million dollar prize and a dash of Avengers. Welcome to the world of competitive cooking.Or, the Masterchef AU literally no one told me to write #ChefsAssemble
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel), Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Stephen Strange, Tony Stark & Thor
Comments: 25
Kudos: 86





	Earth's Mightiest Chefs

Smoke bursts out from around the stage as orange and red strobe lights stream across the floor. From immediately behind it, a giant door marked with an ‘M’ in a circle swings opens. Three shadows emerge from the smoke and as the air clears, the man in the middle, armed with sunglasses and a smirk that could rival the devil, grins. “Oh come on, don’t look so scared already. We haven’t even gotten started.”

Next to him, a man with a goatee and an eternally displeased expression frowns, and the camera makes sure to zoom in close, “Tony, can you at least pretend you remember the script.”

Tony pulls his lip, “I memorized it in five minutes _Stephen_.” He glances at his nails, “I can’t help that the writers are boring.”

An arm launches out to pull Tony into a messy side hug. The blonde giant laughs, the echoes of it booming in everyone’s chests. “Tony don’t be mean! They try their best.”

Tony makes a face, pushing off him and smoothing out his three-piece suit, “Thor, this is Armani.”

“Where?”

Tony fights the urge to groan. Instead, he turns back to the twelve contestants standing behind their work stations with varying expressions of confusion, distaste, and awe. “Welcome!” Tony announces, spreading his arms out, “To the tenth season of Masterchef!”

Dutifully, the twelve of them clap, some of them even whooping, the energy in the room uplifting enough that even Stephen cracks a smile. The cameraman definitely makes sure to capture that.

For the work pool.

* * *

Steve Rogers- Youngest Senior Citizen 

An all American kind of man with close cut blonde hair and dark blue eyes smiles awkwardly at the camera. “Yeah, I mean, I was taken aback by their entrance- obviously. They’re a little unconventional aren’t they?” He laughs at himself, “But I suppose you have to be, if you really want to make it in the culinary world.”

He blinks, a gentle smile peeking out, “Why I’m here? I just want to win for my momma and share her recipes with the world. She taught me everything I know.”

* * *

Justin Hammer- CEO of Suck-Up Industries

The camera wobbles as a man settles into the frame, his nose turned up haughtily, “Why am I here? Isn’t it obvious?” He stares deep into the camera, “I’m going to beat Tony Stark and force him to acknowledge that I’m the better chef.”

“You know,” he starts, “it was supposed to be me that was up there. It was back in two-thousand-and-four and he- hey! What do you mean we’re over?? I didn’t even say my story! Tony Stark stole my life!-”

* * *

Maria Rambeau- Actual Air-Force Pilot

“So this is my best friend and my daughter, Monica.” She says, pointing at a well loved photo of a blonde haired woman smiling as she lifted a little girl into the air while Maria laughed.

Maria is a beautiful woman with a patient aura and firm, but gentle eyes. “Carol’s been pushing me ever since we left the Air Force together to pursue my dream of being a chef and there stopped being excuses for putting it off.”

Her gaze is steady and her voice doesn’t waver, “I’m definitely going to win this thing. I have to show my little girl that all of her dreams can come true if she works hard.” She smirks, “Plus, if I don’t win then Carol’s just going to be insufferable.”

* * *

Peter Parker- Tired (and broke) College Student

An excitable boy bounces in his seat, unable to help the smile on his face. “Oh wow. Oh wow I can’t- I can’t believe I’m on _Masterchef_. This is just- it’s-” he breaks off, face nearly splitting in two with how happy he is, “it’s been my dream for so long to get here. Ever since I saw Chef Stark on that show, you know the one, and he was just so _cool_!!”

He leans forward, fingers curled around the front of his seat, “I really wanna be a chef like him. He’s so innovative and he’s created so many crazy things and he literally changed the way we eat food and present it and-” almost like it’s too much for him, he cuts off and looks away quickly.

“Uhh, yeah and uhh, it would be really cool if uhh, if he could tell me how my cooking is, you know?” And he’s so endearing looking the cameraman has a hard time calling for the next contestant.

* * *

Sif Asgard- ???

The woman standing in front of them is beautiful, with luscious black hair and mischievous green eyes. “Why I’m here?” Her smile uncurls slowly, like a snake emerging from its nest.

“Mmm, well, we’ll see soon won’t we?”

* * *

“Alright!” Tony shouts again, stepping off the stage to come directly in front of the long table that splits where the judges stand and where the contestants are.

The camera pans across the table showing the stunning array of onions, citrus fruits, peppers, eggs, and fish. It was an odd mix of foods, but no one wanted to make any judgements just yet.

Thor grins from behind him on the stage, looking out into the crowd, “You’ve all been chosen to stand in this esteemed kitchen because you’ve proven to be the most skilled out of everyone who auditioned to be in this competition.”

The camera pans out onto Peter’s keen face and the man next to him, with hard eyes and a solidified kind of arrogance. That man just smirked.

“But just being better than everyone who didn’t make it isn’t enough.” Stephen says coldly, “At the end of the day, what separates a home cook from a master-chef is the basics.”

Tony looks excited, taking off his suit jacket to whip on a white Masterchef apron with his name emblazoned on it in a proud red. “I’m sure you all had big ideas on presenting us some crazy convoluted, fancy dish for us to eat, but today, you’re going back to the start.”

The camera zooms in on the chef’s knife he picks up, twisting it in his palm as though testing it out. “So, here’s what’s going to go down. I’m going to demonstrate how to do three tasks and you’re going to copy me exactly.”

The camera zooms in on a guy who gulps. He looks vaguely like that guy from Parks and Rec but there’s no way they have a famous person on here.

* * *

Peter Quill- 80’s Enthusiast

“So at this point I’m like, totally freaking out cuz you know, that’s _Tony Stark_. He like, invented cooking.” He pauses, “Well, he didn’t _invent_ it. But my girlfriend said he was an innovator or something. But then I said who cares because I was gonna be great too! The greatest chef in the whole galaxy! Believe it!”

“No, I’m not into anime, why?”

* * *

Natasha [LAST NAME REDACTED]- How Are There 2 ???’s

A woman with hair redder than a raging sunset and eyes just as dangerous glanced up at the camera. Unable to help herself, she laughs, sharp and short, “Oh sorry, sorry. I’m supposed to be freaked out by Tony, right?”

She snorts again, trying to school her features, “Yeah, I was definitely scared of this challenge. Totally.”

* * *

T’Challa- An Actual Prince???

“I’m fairly competent about my skills in the kitchen.” He says evenly, and there’s something regal about his tone and the way he carries himself that makes everyone stand a little straighter.

“I’ve been cooking since I was younger. My parents were busy running the country and I had to take care of my sister, Shuri.” He smiles fondly, “There’s a lot of motivation in learning how to get her favourite dessert right or risk falling for one of her pranks.”

* * *

Tony doesn’t look up at anyone, just holds the onion firmly in his hand, chopping through it like it wasn’t even there. “Onions are probably the basis of everything good in this world so don’t you dare give me shittily cut ones.”

He moves quickly to the fish, chopping off the head and filleting it neatly, lifting it up to show the class. “Make sure you’re watching exactly how I do it. You know how much people pay to see me do this?”

Behind him, Stephen rolls his eyes.

Finally, Tony ends up at the end of the table, cracking eggs before using the palm of his hand to separate the yolks from the eggs. “There’s a lot of things having a bit of yolk in the whites can ruin. A good meringue for instance.” He adds thoughtfully, “So this really is one of those essential skills you need if you want to get far in this world.”

He looks up, wiping his hands on a towel. “Okay kiddies, you got ten minutes to do all this.”

The contestants gape at him and he just laughs, “Three- two- ONE!”

Immediately, the kitchen bursts into chaos, as these home cooks longing to be chefs whip out their knives and get to it.

Natasha’s knife moves faster than the camera can capture it and from beside her, a man with a slightly dazed expression gulps.

* * *

Clint Barton- Professional Dog Walker

“Look,” he says, lifting his hands in the air, “all I’m saying is that I don’t want be the guy that crosses her.”

He shivers, as though sensing her presence. “Can I go now? I have to finish my Candy Crush level.”

* * *

The timer ticks away and some cooks struggle more than others. The camera pans over to Quill whose fish filet looks more like smoked salmon from how thin it is. “I feel like it could look better.” He starts slowly, “But I don’t know, what if you’re just not that hungry?” He asks and Stephen can be seen smacking his hand in his face.

Another woman is seen attacking the project with a vigor that contrasts Natasha’s meticulous focus with her brute strength.

* * *

Brunnhilde ‘Val’ Valkyrie- A Warrior

“Yeah, I might’ve been a bit aggressive, what about it?” She demands, lip curled.

“I’m a good cook and I know I am. It’s not my fault everyone else’s a sissy with a knife.”

She glares at the camera until it turns off.

* * *

Victor ‘Vision’ Shade- Robot Technician

“Why they call me Vision?” The man pauses, his tone measured, bordering on boring, “Well, I suppose it is because I am very clear-sighted.”

There’s a pause as no one knows what to say.

“Yes well, I have been known to be able see the ‘bigger picture’ if you will. I have…vision.”

The director makes a neck slicing motion and Vision blinks, “Cut? What should we be cutting?”

* * *

“Time’s up!” Tony shouts, gesturing for Stephen and Thor to join him, “Get ready to be assessed kids.”

The judges start at the front, complimenting and criticizing as they go. “Steve,” Thor booms, “what do you have for us today?”

Steve gestures to the three plates filled with everything they asked for. Stephen inspects everything and begrudgingly nods, “It’s not perfect.”

Steve’s eyes fall.

“But it’s meticulous.” Stephen allows and Steve brightens again.

They pass to Natasha whereupon Tony does a double-take. Natasha’s expression remains neutral except for a challenging raise of the brow, “Problem?”

Tony sputters, “Yes there’s a-!”

Natasha gestures to her impeccably cut products, “I really don’t think you can find a flaw.”

Thor nods enthusiastically, “These truly are perfection!” He compliments and Natasha cocks her head at Tony, lips teasing at a smirk.

“Hear that?”

“There is no way-”

Natasha pulls up the knife, throwing it in the air so that it spins in a lethal arc before grabbing it mid-air and chopping her extra onion at lightning speed. Tony blanches, taking a giant step back.

Natasha raises her brows as though to say, you were saying? And Tony growls, muttering under his breath about the complete lack of trust and their therapist was _definitely_ going to hear about this.

Natasha snorts.

* * *

Thanos Titan- Malthus Enthusiast

“Yes, that’s my real name.” The man says indignantly, bald head shining under the light, “My parents knew I was destined for greatness and named me as such.”

He turns his gaze to the camera, expression certain, like he’s known he was about to declare what he says next from the second he came into this world, “I am going to defeat the Master Chefs and I shall lead the new culinary world.”

In another room, a tech considers changing his name caption to the Mad Titan before deciding the pay cut just wouldn’t be worth it.

* * *

“These filets are really well done.” Tony praises, picking up Thanos’ fish and showing it to his co-hosts who nod beside him.

Thanos raises his chin, “Yes, their sizes are perfectly balanced; as all things should be.”

Tony stares at him.

Thanos stares back, nonplussed.

“Right.” Tony coughs before moving on. 

Clint’s staring at all the egg whites in his yolks and Stephen raises a brow, “You really had the guts to show this to us huh?”

Clint flashes a peace sign, “Who really likes meringues though?”

Behind him, the camera zooms in on Peter vibrating in his spot, practically preening as Tony and co walk over. “H-hi Chef Stark!!” he babbles before looking at the other two in a panic, “And Chef Strange and Odinson! You guys are my heroes!” He blurts out before blushing, hands flying to his mouth.

Tony laughs, a smile crinkling up his eyes, “Hey kid, whatcha got for us?”

Peter pushes forward his bowl of onions and egg whites and looks up shyly, “I did my best.”

Thor nods, picking up the filet and looking at it in approval, “Well done little one. These are well cut.”

“Onions are diced well too.” Tony praises, sliding his sunglasses down his nose to get a better look at him, “We’re looking forward to seeing what you can do.”

Peter beams.

* * *

Peter Parker

Peter grabs a pillow and screams into it, head bursting up to show a flushed face and brilliant smile, “He said he wants to see what I can do!!”

* * *

The camera pans out into a wide shot of the three judges, “Now that we’ve gotten a better sense of your skills, it’s time to put your cooking knowledge to the test. We want you to create something amazing with the ingredients you already chopped up. You can access our beautifully stocked pantry behind you for things to supplement your dishes. You have sixty minutes.”

“Don’t forget to wow us.” Stephen drawls.

The contestants jump to attention, sprinting to the pantry in a rush. Well, most of them do. Natasha scowls, eyeing her ingredients before pulling out a pan just to dump her fish in it and blast it on high heat.

Stephen raises a brow, “That’s a fascinating strategy.”

Tony hisses at him, swatting him on the arm, “Shhh! She’ll hear you!”

Thor looks down at him, “Tony, do you know-”

“AHHH!” Quill yells, “You guys have chocolate ice cream in here?? AWESOME.”

Clint grabs three tubs as he runs out back to his station, stopping to give the cameraman a bland look, “What? They always say taste your food while you cook it.”

Thor bursts out laughing, “I like that one.”

Stephen just scoffs.

Tony strides over to the contestants, tasting as he goes and commenting. He stops at Maria’s station, sighing as he smells the spices. “I don’t say this often, but I really want to try your dish.”

She looks up at him, lip quirking in a cocky grin, “I know.” She teases, laughing as he looks taken aback before he schools his expression.

“I got my eye on you Rambeau. Don’t disappoint me.”

“Yessir.” She chimes, already set on winning.

* * *

When the last minute is over, the dramatic music is cued as each contestant brings up their plate to be judged. While Val and Justin make away with decent ratings on their own takes on a fish fillet, when Natasha brings up her plate, all three judges blanch.

You couldn’t really say there was any plating concept. The fish was just tossed onto the plate like someone had dropped it and there was a bit of cooked egg on the side like some messed up mashed potatoes and a full sprig of mint atop of it as a…garnish??

There was also the tiny fact that it was uncooked.

Like, a lot uncooked.

But _boy_ was it charred.

Tony looked at her. Natasha looked back.

“Today, I made you a filet with mint and whatever was on my station.” She glances down, “And egg.” She adds, like it’s an afterthought she forgot about.

“I’m surprised you didn’t just throw the onion on there.” Tony quips and Natasha’s eyes widen.

“Ah shit. I knew I forgot something.”

Tony’s brow twitches, “You mean besides forgetting to _cook the fish_??”

She crosses her arms, “It’s on purpose. It’s _innovative_. Isn’t that your whole schtick.”

“I hate you, you know. And I can’t believe Pepper would do this to me-”

“She said it’s revenge for skipping out on the _one_ board meeting you ever have to go to.”

Tony sputters and Natasha just cocks her chin at her plate, “Aren’t you going to taste it Chef?”

Stephen shakes his head, “We’re not going to eat food we _know_ is raw-”

But Tony’s already picking up his fork, stabbing at the fish viciously, refusing to break eye contact. He doesn’t hesitate when he sticks the fish in his mouth but the second it lands on his tongue, he gags absolutely involuntarily and Natasha’s smirk just widens.

They both know he lost.

Tony swallows hard and Thor pats him on the shoulder, “Just go.” He mumbles, “You already know you had the worst dish here.”

Natasha shrugs, looking like she already knew the outcome before the die was cast, “See you for lunch next week?” She teases and the editor blurs out the middle finger Tony flashes her because this was a _family_ show and they had _standards_.

* * *

Sif Asgard

“Of course I’m annoyed that she ruined the round. I had a whole thing planned and she one hundred percent ruined it and it won’t be _nearly_ as dramatic anymore and I’m-” She growls suddenly and then stops talking, sulking with her crossed arms.

* * *

Steve Rogers

“I’m just glad I made it to round two. I want to keep going as far as I can.” He rubs the back of his neck shyly, expression soft.

“I’d like to impress Chef Thor though. He has a cooking style I can really appreciate. I don’t want to leave until I can do that first.”

* * *

It’s Day Two and the eleven contestants are back in the Masterchef kitchen, all set to face the next challenge. Once again, the three judges appear from behind the giant door and this time it’s Stephen who takes the lead. “Good morning everyone. Today we’re doing something a little different.”

Peter tilts his head, rocking on the balls of his feet.

“I’m having a bit of a sweet tooth craving today. So instead of cooking something worthy of a five-star dinner, you’re going to be baking some mouth-watering cupcakes.”

The contestants titter amongst themselves. Steve looks particularly excited while Clint looks like he mildly wants to die.

* * *

Clint Barton

“I genuinely don’t know what any ingredients are for.” Clint confesses, looking absurdly genuine, “What’s the difference between baking soda and baking powder? They’re both powders! And white! And you put them in cakes!”

He stops, frowns, “Wait, actually. Are you not supposed to put them in at the same time? Someone said it’s to help the thing rise, but isn’t that yeast??”

* * *

Peter Parker

Peter smiles, “I bake all the time! Aunt May has a giiiiiant sweet tooth and she works really long hours at the hospital so I try to make her favourites to cheer her up!”

“Actually! One of the best desserts I ever made was copying Chef Stark’s Espresso Delight. You know the one where he uses the whole table as a plate! And he does the whole whoosh, smoosh boom! Thing!” Peter mimes out the sound effects, looking excited.

“I know Chef Stark loves coffee more than life itself, so I’m really hoping to impress him with these cupcakes.”

* * *

Vision

“No, I am not particularly fond of sweets. I prefer milder flavours, however I do understand baking principles. I am confident I can create something to a bakery’s standard.”

* * *

The timer starts and everyone rushes to the pantry to get their ingredients. Quill dumps various powders and add-ins into his mixer and twists the knob on high. Powder explodes out of the container and he sputters, gasping for air. “This one’s way stronger than the one I have at home. Gamora has to beat that thing at least three times before it even spins.”

“Honestly, cooking’s not as fun when she isn’t here. But I know she’s gonna watch this and be rooting for me because I’m obviously the best cook here.”

“Maybe say that when your ingredients are actually in the muffin tins and not the floor.” Val snarks and Quill sticks out his tongue.

At the next aisle, the camera catches Sif slip something into her frosting, mixing it in with a slightly maniacal grin on her face. She glances up at the camera, slightly startled, before her picture perfect smile slides back with a practiced ease, “I’m definitely going to knock the judges out with this recipe.” She cackles suddenly before returning to her baking and ignoring the crew until they walk away.

Justin sneers as Peter crushes espresso beans in a food processor, “Coffee cupcakes? That’s so basic.” He derides, pointing to his own batch that’s an odd shade of pastel green.

“I’m going for a much classier pistachio base flavor. You need to get on my level kid.”

Peter frowns, turning his shoulder to him, “I’d appreciate it if you called me by my name.” He says, methodically measuring out the right amount of coffee to add into his buttercream, “And you don’t need to worry about me.”

He straightens, fixing Justin with a confident half-smile, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

The clock hits zero and Tony blows an airhorn just because he can. “Times up!” He shouts, calling on T’Challa to come forward.

“Today, I have made a chai latte cupcake with some chocolate garnishes.”

Stephen nods approvingly, “As far as presentation goes, this is top quality.”

T’Challa bows his head slightly in thanks and looks pleased when they all take a bite and have nothing but praise.

“Justin! You’re up!” Thor calls next and Justin preens as he carries his cupcake over to the judges, looking expectantly at Tony who doesn’t blink twice at him before looking down at his dish.

“First impression is me wondering how many Kermit the frogs were used to make these cupcakes.”

Justin falters, mouth opening and then closing for a second before he straightens, clearing his throat, “I made a top-quality pistachio cupcake with a whipped strawberry cream frosting.”

Stephen looks skeptical as he takes a bite, but swallows it without any gagging, “It’s not bad,” he allows, “it could use some more strawberry flavouring in the frosting, but the overall cake texture and flavour combination is good.”

“Good, but average.” Tony remarks, not looking overly impressed, “You’re gonna need to bring a lot more to the table if you want to dazzle us.”

Justin’s jaw tightens but he heads back to his station without another comment and watches as the rest of the contestants bring their plates up.

Sif is second last and she looks like she can barely contain her excitement as she walks up to the judges’ table. When she gets close enough, Thor peers at her oddly and she bows her head looking at Tony instead. “I made something special for you all today. Each cupcake is individualized to you.” She smiles but there’s something just a little off about it.

Stephen scrutinizes the cupcakes, frowning slightly.

She gestures to the one on the far left where the design mimics a snake slithering through the grass, “This one’s for Chef Thor.”

He brightens, grabbing the cupcake with a gusto, “I love snakes!”

He brings it up to his mouth to take a bite before Stephen suddenly swats it out of his hand.

“Stephen!” Thor cries, looking miserably at the smushed cupcake on the ground.

Ignoring him, Stephen turns to Sif, eyes dark, “What, exactly, is your game plan?”

Sif’s lip curls up, voice dropping, “My, my, someone thinks they’re clever hm?”

Thor blinks, looking like something finally clicked in his mind, “Wait-” but instead of waiting, he reaches forward, pulling off the sunglasses and wig on Sif’s head, “Loki??”

Sif- Loki- who vetted all these people?? Tucks a lock of hair behind his ear and smiles. “Hello brother.”

Tony groans suddenly, looking miserably up into the heaven, “How is everyone we know in this cohort? How!”

Thor looks delighted, taking two giant steps around the table to grab his brother in a giant hug, “Loki! It’s been too long! How have you been!”

“Not good.” He sulks, looking put out as he glances at the ruined cupcake, “You know how expensive that serum was?”

“Ah,” Thor says, understanding, “another failed attempt hm?” He perks up, smacking Loki on the arm repeatedly, “Always a next time brother!”

“I-” Stephen starts, “Thor we- we can’t be supporting _poisoning_ on our show are you insane?? I- cut!!” He swirls around, glaring daggers at the cameramen, “I said cut!”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later

Peter blinks, in all the chaos, it seemed like everyone had forgotten about him and his cupcakes. His head drops, disappointment written all over his face before Tony suddenly appears in front of him, expression soft, “What? You didn’t think we’d forget about you, did you?”

Peter’s neck snaps up, eyes wide, before they get impossibly bright. “Of-of course not!” He’s quick to shake his head sliding his plate forward to him and Stephen with all the energy of the sun.

“So tell us what you made today kid.” Tony asks, a laugh blended right into his voice.

Peter straightens, “I made a mocha cupcake with a raspberry filling and an espresso buttercream.”

Tony whistles, “Interesting flavor choices. Espresso is finnicky in a buttercream.”

“I really want to push the boundaries with my cooking.” Peter says, almost like a declaration.

Tony looks at him, something like a respect forming in his eyes, “Well let’s just hope the taste is as convincing as your conviction.”

The two of them dig into Peter’s cupcake, chewing contemplatively before Tony breaks out into an appreciative grin, “I really do like me some coffee.” He sighs, before taking another bite.

* * *

Peter Parker

Peter yells, whooping in the air, “ _Tony Stark_ took a second bite of my cupcake. Tony! Stark!”

He falls back in his chair for a moment before straightening, cheeks flushed, “I think I can die happy now honestly.”

* * *

Loki Odinson

Loki frowns, crossing his arms, refusing to look at the camera, “It wasn’t _real_ poison. It was just some extra laxatives along with some…other stuff.”

He sits in an aggressive silence before scowling, “Oh come on, you’d poison your brother too if he was that annoyingly positive all the time. God put me on this earth to humble Thor and that’s that on that. You do NOT want to know what he was like before I started taking my role seriously.”

* * *

Chef Thor Odinson

Thor tilts his head, looking confused. “Of course I’m not pressing charges. That’s just Loki being Loki.”

He laughs suddenly, “At our last family dinner, he tried to stab me with the kitchen knife and it got stuck in the cupboard. He’s so funny.”

Thor blinks, “Our mother? No why would she be mad. Our dear friend Groot- he used to be a tree in his past life you know- was coming over anyway and he makes the most beautiful cabinets. Do you want his number? He’s honestly quite good and-”

* * *

Loki Odinson

Loki’s expression flattens in an unimpressed deadpan, “See?”

* * *

Round Three sees them in the luxurious kitchens within Stark Industries. Sexy rock music blares as Tony steps through the door, his co-judges in step with him. “Morning everyone, hope you’re not too nervous because this is about to be the most stressful two hours of your lives.”

Clint gulps, looking at his co-contestants with a rising panic. This is _not_ gonna be good. Beside him, Justin looks sinisterly gleeful, practically rubbing his hands together. Clint looks at the camera like he’s on The Office, sliding away several feet until he bumps into Thanos who gives him one glare before Clint eeps, huddling behind T’Challa whose eyes roll.

“Today,” Stephen starts, “you’ll be catering Stark Industries’ annual charity gala.”

“Every year, Tony hosts this party to raise funds for their charity arm to help transition communities and companies to a higher green standard.” Thor smiles, patting Tony on the back.

Tony sniffs, looking pointedly away, “Yes well, the earth is dying and someone’s gotta do something about it.” He half-mumbles before turning to the crowd, “So! The stakes are high for you all today. Everything you serve will be a direct reflection of me and the high quality I expect from every one of my projects.”

Peter sucks in a breath, determination filling his eyes. The cameraman immediately goes in for the zoom shot, seeing all the ratings shoot up without even having to try.

“You’ll be doing this challenge in teams.” Stephen announces, with his usual cold tone, “You’ll each make two separate three course meals and we’ll be asking all our guests to rate your dishes. But be warned,” Stephen’s voice drops, “the only people you need to impress, is us.”

“Your teams are the following. Red Team: Peter, Justin, Clint, Val, Vision. Come stand here.”

Dutifully, the five cluster to the left side of the room, Valkyrie’s expression dropping by the second.

* * *

Valkyrie

“All I’m thinking right now is holy shit I’ll probably end up slicing one of these dickheads than I am anything else.”

* * *

Ignoring the frustrated looks from the Red Team, Stephen continues on, “Blue Team: T’Challa, Maria, Thanos, Steve and Quill.”

Quill cheers, bounding to the other side of the room and grabbing Steve by the shoulders as the other man tries to pull away awkwardly.

* * *

Maria Rambeau

“I respect T’Challa and Steve as cooks. They’re talented in a quiet way that I appreciate. Thanos is just…a weird guy. I mean, I don’t want to judge a book by its cover, but I definitely don’t get a good vibe.”

Maria takes a haggard breath, “Quill?”

She looks like she’s about to speak, but all that comes out is a sigh instead.

* * *

“Anyway, because we need good ratings or Fox will drop us like day old bagels, we’re going to be assigning your team captains. For the Red Team, Justin. For the Blue Team, Thanos.”

* * *

Thanos Titan

“Am I excited to be team captain? No. Because this is my destiny. I was born to rule over the mediocre and this will only be the first of many successes.”

* * *

Justin Hammer

“I’m going to crush every single person here and I’m going to force Anthony to acknowledge me or I’ll-”

BEEEEP.

The screen cuts to black before it pans out to the judges once more.

* * *

“Ok teams, your time starts, NOW!” Tony waves his pocket-square like a flag and the teams race to their stations.

The camera follows the judges as they sit at their watch table. “This should be the start of the real competition now that everyone we actually know is gone.” Tony sighs, rubbing circles into his temples.

“It was nice to see Loki again!” Thor nods, “Who knows when he’ll show up next.”

Stephen’s expression flattens, scribbling a quick note to be handed to security.

Justin crosses his arms his station, nose in the air, “Obviously I was chosen for captain because of my superior cooking skills so you better listen up or you’re going to regret it.”

Clint curls his nose, “What crawled up _your_ ass and died?”

Peter snorts, hiding it behind his hand as Justin’s cheeks burn, lips twisting in a snarl, “That’s it, you’re on vegetable slicing duty. Say anything more and I’ll make you take out the trash instead.”

“But- there’s no trash??”

“WHAT DID I SAY??”

Across the room, Thanos is delegating tasks with a deliberate manner that kinda freaks everyone out. Everyone has an exactly equal share of the work under the assumption they are all equally talented. As for Thanos, “I will be a true captain. Nothing goes out those doors without passing my quality check first. I’ll do plating and final checks. Any questions?”

His plan is so thorough, everyone can’t help but reluctantly shake their heads. They start their food prep while Team Red’ still arguing.

An hour in, the judges start meandering through the teams to check in, “Hey Pete, whatcha got there?”

Peter starts, gripping the pan in his hand tighter, “Chef Stark! Hi!”

Tony can’t help the fond quirk of his lip, “Hey kid. Grilling veggies?”

Peter blinks before looking down, quickly pulling the pan so that the asparaguses fly up and then back in, “Yeah! We’re doing a combo of asparagus and potatoes in the same glaze to pair up with our lamb chop.”

Tony nods, using his fork to stab through a potato, chewing thoughtfully. His eyes light up, using his other hand to ruffle Peter’s hair. The camera zooms faster than the speed of light to the joy in Peter’s smile as Tony pulls away, “This is good kid. Great job.”

Justin scowls behind him, not paying attention to the lamb chops on his grill until Vision calmly says, “Excuse me captain? I think you’re over-cooking the meat.”

Justin roars, pulling the pan off the stove but it’s too late. The meat was definitely medium and he catches Tony’s disappointed eyes. Justin scowls. “Peter! Throw out all your veggies, you ruined them!”

“What?? They’re perfect!” Peter defends, gesturing for him to come look at them.

“No! They’re charred. I’m not serving the judges charred vegetables!”

Peter’s expression twists, “We don’t have to time to-”

“Be faster! And Vision! If you have time to be looking at me, focus harder on the tiramisu.”

Clint bumps into him trying to reach for the tomatoes and Justin whirls around, “AND STOP BEING SUCH A KLUTZ BARTON! You’ve already broken three plates today!”

Clint shrugs, “Bold of everyone to assume I’m old enough to use ceramics.”

Fifteen more minutes pass before Stephen flies on them in a rage, “Red Team!” He yells, “You’re down twenty plates! What’s wrong with you??”

Justin points a finger at Peter, eyes venomous, “Ask Wonder Boy over here.”

Stephen raises a brow.

“He’s been fucking up all his side dishes and leaving us behind.”

Peter looks to be in near tears at this point and Clint just looks confused, “Wait, weren’t _you_ the one that messed up the lamb chops?”

“Shut up Barton! What have you even accomplished?”

“Well…not a lot. But in my defense, I don’t do well with bad management.”

The vein in Stephen’s forehead pulses and he smacks his hands atop the counter, “You idiots better get your act together or so help me I will make you wish you were never born.”

The three of them jump back, a sharp shiver running up their spines, “Yes sir!” Clint salutes and Stephen bites down the urge to smack him.

Finally, the last minute disappears and every plate is out the door. Tony pulls down his sunglasses, “So we’re going to go around and get everyone’s assessment, you all can rest. You’re gonna need it.”

* * *

Later, when the judges return, Tony looks at Peter, lip pulling just a bit, before he looks away again. “Alright gather round, one team on either side.”

“Blue Team,” Thor starts, “good job. Your chicken was moist and your crème brulee was something fit for the gods.”

“Red Team, you had a nice appetizer. But your lamb quality was inconsistent, and your tiramisu was missing an entire layer.”

Vision raises his hand, “Yes, I apologize. I had never had a tiramisu before.”

Thor gapes at having the Big Judge Speech interrupted, looking at the camera guys as though they could intervene. Justin smacks a hand over his face, “You’re a home cook and you’ve never had _tiramisu??_ ”

“I do not indulge in sweets often.”

This surprises no one.

* * *

Peter Quill

“I mean, I don’t want to be like, rude or anything. But that Vision guy has about as much personality as a toaster. Maybe less, because toasters give you toast and he just goes on weird self-help lectures about unlocking your inner mind stone or whatever.”

  
“He’s really weird.”

* * *

Stephen coughs, “Carrying on, I think it’s obvious who the loser is.”

* * *

Justin Hammer

“If it’s my team, I won’t hesitate to throw each and every one of my shitty team-mates under the bus.”

* * *

Peter Parker

Self-deprecating laugh. “Ahh, yeah I mean. Honestly, all that was going through my head was how disappointed Chef Stark would be in me and I just…” He breaks, looking away from the camera.

“I just wish I’d done better you know?”

* * *

Clint Barton

“At this point I’m thinking, holy shit, I probably definitely poisoned someone. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing today. Hammer told me to spiral the zucchini and I thought that was a fancy way to say twist it when you wash it.”

A pause, “In hindsight, I definitely served some terrible appetizers today. Oops.”

* * *

Tony sighs, looking at Peter, “We’re disappointed in what happened today. We know you can all do better so we’re giving you all one more chance. Tomorrow, the Red Team will go through an elimination challenge.”

Peter clenches his fist.

“We’ve been watching you and what we saw today was especially despicable and not worthy of the aprons you’re wearing now. Tomorrow, one of you will be getting eliminated. So get some sleep, you’re gonna need it.”

* * *

Off- stage, the camera panning down the hallway

Tony catches up to a wilted Peter, “Hey kid, slow down.”

Peter looks up, despondent, “Oh, hey Chef Stark. What’s up?”

“I know what happened today was pretty shitty. But try not to let it get to you.”

Peter tries to cheer up, but his lips don’t quite seem to have the strength. Tony just smiles for him, gripping his shoulder, “I know you’re a good cook. All you have to do tomorrow is just prove it. Don’t sweat the small stuff, you know?”

This time, the compliment blooms across Peter’s face and he lets out an amused breath, “Yeah. Yeah, thanks Mr. Stark, I appreciate it.”

“Any time Peter, now get outta here before they close the building on you.”

* * *

Suspenseful brass music plays as the Blue Team looks down from the balcony at the Red Team already at their stations, one large box in front of all of them. On the stage, the judges look stern, looking out into the crowd. “You ever have that craving for something that’s a little bit of everything and just expensive enough your S.O feels flattered?”

Tony grins, “Well I can tell you that I’m definitely harder to please than any of your partners. Under your mystery boxes will be three ingredients you’ll have to feature to their fullest to dazzle me and my lovely co-hosts.”

He gestures to the boxes, “Have a look.”

Clint pulls up the box in a hurry, face blanching as he sees what’s underneath; a langoustine, steak filet, and truffle.

“That’s right! It’s surf, turf, _and_ earth.”

* * *

Clint Barton

“I have approximately two dollars and sixty cents in my bank account on any given day. This is literally more expensive than everything I own combined.”

He pulls up the langoustine with two pinched fingers, “I literally don’t even know what this is. A shrimp?? A crab?? Who knows?? And don’t even get me started on the mushroom thing. I only eat mushrooms on cold pizza and even that’s pushing it.”

* * *

Vision

“They’re named langoustines, true name nephrops norvegivus. It is not in fact, a shrimp, but a type of lobster and is found in the Atlantic ocean and the Mediterranean Sea and- wait, why are you packing up? I haven’t even gotten to the genus type yet.”

* * *

It’s fifteen minutes into the one-hour competition and the judges are walking through the tables tasting as they go. Clint’s pressing his filet into the pan, utterly neglecting the other two ingredients, “Yeah I dunno what to tell you big guy. I’ve eaten a steak twice in my life and the second time gave me food poisoning because it was from a convenience store.”

Thor looks like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it. “Are you going to be using the other two ingredients? They’re top quality.”

“Yeah I dunno. Might fuck around and invent something. I think if I just put butter on everything it’ll be fine.”

And Thor can’t really argue with that.

Tony walks by Peter’s station, quirking a brow, “Fennel eh? Bold move Parker.”

“No one got anywhere playing it safe, right sir?” Peter grins and something sparkles in Tony’s eye.

“We’re looking forward to seeing what you deliver.”

* * *

Clint Barton

He picks up the truffle, eyeing it distrustfully before putting a little in his mouth. “Blegh! Ick! What the-” he spits it out, glaring at it like it had murdered his mother, “it tastes like _dirt_ , what the fu-”

* * *

Justin Hammer

“The umami of the truffle is really strong. Lesser people would say it’s too earthy but they’re just not sophisticated enough to really appreciate it.”

The camera pans to him spitting out the truffle in the trash when he thinks no one’s looking.

* * *

Peter Parker

“My aunt could never afford this kinda stuff so it’s super cool I get the opportunity to work with all these fancy ingredients now. I think I know exactly how to bring out the savouriness of the truffle with the sweetness of the langoustine.”

He laughs, looking strangely endearing, “Langoustine.” He repeats, “Even _saying_ it makes me feel fancy.”

* * *

The timer goes off just as Vision wipes off the remaining sauce from the rim of his plate and Tony beckons him forward. “Whatcha got for us Vis?”

“I’m presenting you today with a wild rice pilaf with a filet topped with herb and truffle infused butter and a langoustine on the side.”

Stephen raises a brow at it, picking at it before taking a bite, “It’s good. A bit unoriginal, but good.”

Thor nods, “Excellent sear my friend!” he praises as he digs into the steak.

“Val! You’re up!”

She crosses her arms, “What you see is what you get. A balsamic vinegar reduction with the langoustine, white asparagus, truffle rosemary butter, and the steak.”

Thor laughs, “You have no complaints from me.”

There’s not a lot to criticize, but not a lot to praise either, and soon they’re wrapped up with her, Tony calling Clint forward. “I think we’re all curious to see what the hell you managed to come up with.”

Clint brandishes his plate with a flourish, “So I decided to go with something a little fun toady. Really dive deep. I got some cilantro infused langoustine and some spices, you know.” He waves his hand instead of specifying, “A ginger butter basted filet mignon and a truffle sauce with some sesame-ginger broccolini.”

Tony raises a brow, “An Asian theme for a surf and turf is pretty rare. That’s interesting.” He says, like a serious compliment and Clint can’t help but scratch at his chin, pleased, but not wanting to look it.

“But does it taste good.” Stephen says drily, cutting into the steak, “It’s medium rare. That’s good.”

He takes a bite, chewing purposefully before a begrudging expression filters over his face, “It’s good. I didn’t think I’d like the ginger as much as I do.”

Tony nods, taking a bite from the langoustine, “You could’ve cooked this a bit more, maybe throw in some more salt, but all in all, not bad.”

He looks up, eyes darkening, “Thanks Clint. Hammer, you’re up.”

Justin has a particularly smug look on his face when he presents his dish to the judges, “Today, I have a pan seared filet mignon with a red wine reduction, a truffle infused pomp puree, roasted potatoes, and butter poached langoustine.”

Tony stares at the plate, “Right off the bat, the plating’s ugly.” He shrugs, “But mama always said beauty’s on the inside so let’s cut into this shall we?”

He brings his knife over to the filet, slicing into it only to reveal the innards to the camera, “It’s raw.” He says blandly.

Justin swallows, “That’s- that’s impossible. There’s no way it can be-”

Tony juts the filet half in his face, “Are you saying I can’t tell when a steak is raw?”

“I- no-”

“Then simmer down. We have things to taste.” Stephen cuts in, taking a bite. “First of all, this dish really could have been a nine out of ten if you had any truffle in there.”

He raises a hand before Justin can interrupt, “You can’t get any of that truffle flavor from just an infusion. It literally would have been as simple as making a truffle butter and slapping it on there.”

Thor looks thoughtful, moving the food around the plate, “The potatoes are quite nice though. But we didn’t ask for a potato dish.”

Justin glowers all the way back to his station, expression turning even darker when Peter’s name is called after his. “Pete!” Tony grins, “Show us what you got!”

Peter bites back a smile, holding his hands behind his back, “I made a fennel langoustine, rosemary-butter steak, and a truffle aioli with some brown butter dust.”

Stephen raised a brow, “An elimination challenge and you brought out the molecular gastronomy?” He whistles. “Ballsy.”

Thor grins, patting Tony on the back, “Sounds like someone I know.”  
  


Tony looks at Peter, something fond in his eye, “We’ll see.”

Tony takes a bit of the langoustine, eyes closed. “This was definitely a bold move kid. But it paid off.”

The relief on Peter’s face is palpable.

“Your sear on the steak is perfect.” Stephen expands, turning it over to show the perfect colour in the centre, “And it’s cooked to the precise way we like it.”

“Your aioli is savoury, yet delicate, tying the whole dish together. And your dust, though not entirely necessary to the plate, adds a fun a twist.” Tony says, looking pleased, “You should be proud Peter, this is a solid dish.”

As Peter walks down, he can’t help the little smile on his face.

“And now,” Stephen announces, “who’s going home?”

The Dramatic Music plays and the customary shots of tense faces and clenched fists pans out. “The person going home today…” Tony starts, taking extra-long pauses and enjoying every second of it, “is….” his tone drops, “Justin Hammer.”

Silence. And then, “WHAT? What the fuck do you mean Justin Hammer- are you crazy??”

Tony just cocks a brow, “Security? Crazy man in aisle three. The rest of you? Go home, you earned it.”

* * *

Peter Parker

“YESSSSSS!!!!!”

* * *

Vision

“I am extremely glad Hammer went home. He was utterly unpleasant to be around.”

* * *

Valkyrie

“Yeah I’m pissed. I’m gonna wipe the floor with them next round. I’m not peaking here.”

A raised brow.

“What about Hammer? He can choke.”

* * *

Peter Parker

“Okay, I’m done. Sorry. Didn’t mean to freak out I’m just- I’m just really happy. I think I’m finally proving that I belong here.”

A small smile, “Plus, Hammer was kinda a dick.”

* * *

Clint Barton

“Who gives a shit about that asshat, why didn’t anyone tell me it was a lobster??”

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo I mean, this whole thing is ridiculous, but if y'all actually like it, I'll def finish it. But it really all depends on if this is worth it lmaooo


End file.
